(Originally published November 12, 2009)

It’s been a month now since the final race of the 2009 season. Longest hangover I’ve ever had. Except for that time in Puerta Vallarta. Oof, that was rough.

When the season ended, I spent a good two hours neatly organizing my 2009 picks into an Excel spreadsheet to find out how well I did. The plan was to marvel in the glory of picking a podium-finisher in every race… which I swear I did. Just promise you won’t go back and look. It will be a lot better for us both if you just trust me.

While I delete the spreadsheet, let’s forget about 2009 and look forward to next season. If there’s one thing you can count on from me, it’s credible info. So this post comes with a rock-solid-race-gIRL-guarantee that the following things may or may not happen in 2010:

Let’s get this out of the way first, since I’m sure you’re anxious about it: Vaseline Man Lotion WILL be back next year as a sponsor. Start working on your clever tweets now, so you can slide them in when the time comes. Oh, look what I’ve done there.
There’s been a lot of speculation about when Tomas Scheckter will produce the glove-tossing trifecta. Be patient people. He’s on an every-other-year schedule, so place your bets now for 2011.
The Chronicles of Danica will continue. However, unable to make up her own mind about going to NASCAR, Danica will pull the ultimate publicity stunt, most likely just before IndyCar makes its next big announcement. DP will hire Dario “Been There, Came Back” Franchiti and Sam “Still There, I Suck” Hornish Jr. to arm wrestle. Dario will win, Ashley will complain and Danica will stay with IndyCar. You know, until next season.
Contrary to what you may have thought when you saw Dan Wheldon’s new twitter avatar, he has not left the series for a modeling career.
Scott Dixon will receive sponsorship offers from three separate energy supplement corporations. They’ll review his post-race interview skills and proclaim, “Perfect, Scott! You keep putting them to sleep and we’ll keep stocking more product!”
In an unprecedented sequence of events, Milka Duno will manage to lose five positions during driver introductions.
Vitor Meira will be back, full-force next year. He’ll probably ride the wall again, but only as part of a victory celebration in an effort to show up Helio’s incessant fence climbing.
McDonalds will return as the Graham-burglar’s sponsor. Sources say it’s become impossible for Graham to do a post-race interview without saying “The McDonalds boys were great out there today.”
The team formerly known as Andretti Green Racing will follow suit with Prince and therefore only be recognizable as a symbol for at least two years. That symbol is yet to be determined. Suggestions welcome.
Speaking of, rumors are running rampant about RHR going to the Andretti team. I speculate that this is all part of Michael Andretti’s hidden agenda to “stack the deck” with hot boys in an effort to drive female fans to their hospitality tent. There are other ways, Michael. Seriously. Penske does it with backpacks.

You’re still thinking about that Danica one, aren’t ya? It could happen.

As difficult as it is for me to be serious, I gotta shift gears for a moment and give my two cents on the new title sponsorship. We all heard the IZOD announcement last week. Okay, we heard it the week before, but it was fun pretending we didn’t know that everything was gon’bee alright.

I’m hearing that the twitterverse isn’t yet hip to the new “fastest race on earth” tag. I personally LOVED it from the moment I heard it. But let’s remember that the current IRL fans, although beyond loyal, are also some of the most critical people ever. EVER. I even caught myself over-analyzing the decrease in the banking on the new logo. Yep. Stupid. Let’s focus on the EXTREMELY positive news here, people. This sponsorship is phenomenal for the series! Six (plus) years? Unbelievable.

I have a TON of thoughts on why IZOD is a good sponsor, but the best way to describe this new direction is a quote from a friend of mine who works closely with one of the teams. He once said to me, “I’ve been to some driver meetings and I have never seen so many pairs of male capris in my life.”

Don’t blink, IndyCar fans. The future is brighter, the cars are safer and the drivers are metrosexual-er. Gone are the days of big, burly men who smoked, drank and fixed their own cars. The series is going in a new (and positive) direction. Enter the Age of the Male Capri. Available now wherever IZOD is sold.