I completely understand everyone’s frustration. It’s confusing, it’s unexplained and it don’t seem to make no damn sense. But for those of you who say you’re done, mark my words: I call your bluff.

I have a confession to make. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I had a reason for doing it. On Saturday of this past weekend, I… watched a NASCAR race. *hangs head & kicks the ground* It went against everything in my belief system but I focused on the task at hand…

From the very first time I heard those magical words: “Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines,” this sport has hooked me and I’ll never look back. I’ve learned over the years that this sport isn’t perfect, but not once have I ever even considered saying some of the things that these so-called “fans” are putting out there.

What… in the name of Zeus’ manparts… IS that? I actually think, overall, it looks rather… mighty. But can someone – anyone – explain why there’s a triumphant kickstand on this gentleman? What does it symbolize? Why is it erect? What the hell is he reaching for? These are the hard-core questions that we, as fans, need to know.

There are two things I know about Watkins Glen: #1 – A friend of mine said there’s Black Widow spiders in the public restrooms. #2 – I’m not going. Note that #2 has nothing to do with #1, although I’d like to offer some advice to my NY-bound friends: Pee quickly and carry a big stick.

There are three things I know about Barber Motorsports park: 1) It has a giant spider, which creeps me out beyond belief; 2) It has a great museum, which I intend to stroll through; and 3) The IZOD IndyCar Series has never run there before, which means little suprises around every corner, but nothing dangerous (yes, that in fact was a Willy Wonka quote, for those of you keeping score at home).

A long time ago, at a Speedway far, far away, we said farewell to the 2009 season. We cried ourselves to sleep. We bitched about the offseason. We even went so far as to watch NASCAR. It was that rough. Here they are: The OFFICIAL top five off-season moments when I thought I was being punk’d.

Don’t blink, IndyCar fans. The future is brighter, the cars are safer and the drivers are metrosexual-er. Gone are the days of big, burly men who smoked, drank and fixed their own cars. The series is going in a new (and positive) direction. Enter the Age of the Male Capri.

This Danica Mania has, of course, done good things for the promotion of the IndyCar Series, but the lack of this one woman will not be the end of this great sport.

What has INDYCAR done to peak the interest of anyone my age… or gender? Sure, in the Age of Danica, we’ve seen a substantial increase in the number of girls entering karts, but what about the fans?